Abundance

Having made some pretty drastic changes to my career life this year, I’m reflecting daily on what abundance and success mean to me. For real. I’ve been part-time as a Paramedic now for a few months, focused on building a practice as a teacher and a business as a yoga camping retreat facillitator.  My two careers are remarkably complimentary and the life I’m crafting is pretty much what I used to imagine when I was a girl. Pretty Cool.

I knew I’d move slowly, deliberately in my building. I knew that like learning yoga, building a practice and a living is best done one brick at a time. I don’t know about the rest of you teachers out there, or entrepeneurs of any stripe, independent, free-thinking crafters of service and beauty, but one of my most determined demons is named “Enough.” Is there enough, do I have enough, do I do enough, do I know enough, Am I enough, will there be enough? Enough knowledge, classes, time, strength, patience.

And the answer every day has been “yes” and that shrinks the demon a bit, but this demon drinks from a deep well, the well of emptiness that is at the center of being a human being, the one we identify with our fears, traumas, shortcomings and failures until we learn that it just is and that that’s Ok. But it really is part of being human, so it remains. And by sitting with it, calmly and persistently I’ve learned the meaning of abiding and of love.

And today I got to dance with it in the park, and we both forgot it was a demon. I’m working on building an outdoor yoga class in a park near my house, so Tuesdays at Noon I go the park and practice. So far it’s been alone, which is only a problem if you were hoping it to be different. I’m promoting it and have garnered interest, but so far I’m alone. More experienced teachers tell me this is part of the building experience. I wonder if I should make it earlier (Albuquerque is rather warmish at Noon, and it’s monsoon season, so it’s what passes for humid in the desert), should I go to a park in a more upscale neighborhood ( we are decidedly working class here in my ‘hood), should…. I should do yoga, I decide.

And I’m about to flip my dog on the second side when I look up and my eyes meet the lovely grey eyes of a little girl watching – she later tells me she’ll be 10 in September – one arm tucked behind her back, hand wrapped in front of her opposite elbow, legs entwined, head cocked to the side. We both smile. I flip & ask if she’s ever done yoga. Once. She joins me in downdog and we laugh at the name. She follows me into pigeon and her sisters and friend join us. We’re all doing pigeon, except for the youngest who is bouncing into people and grass like the park’s a mosh pit, giggling all while, and we join her as I teach them what to call pigeon in Sanskrit, our heads bouncing from side to side as we sing-song through “Eka-pa-da-ra-ja-kap-o-ta-sa-na”, little mosh darling falling down among us.

And I think, “This is IT. This is what I want, this is what I do. This is enough. This is more than enough. This is everything.” And even my demons laugh and all fall down.

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7 thoughts on “Abundance

  1. I swear that sometimes you’re living inside my head. This week I prep for my first public debut as a “yoga teacher”…whatever the hell that is.

    Enough. “Enough.” Is there enough, do I have enough, do I do enough, do I know enough, Am I enough, will there be enough? Enough knowledge, classes, time, strength, patience…

    It’s the question I wrestle with myself.

  2. All fall down!
    Wrestle til you can’t anymore, then remember the Gita “Self-possessed, Resolute, Act
    without any thought of success or failure,
    this equanimity is yoga.”
    A dear colleague of mine reminded me as I was obsessing about one more peice of research, one more handout for a recent workshop….
    They’re coming for your presence. That’s all you need.
    Namaste 🙂

  3. I know that particular demon all too well… it’d be the one that demands that I justify my existence with checklists–was I productive *enough*, did I work hard * enough*, did I do *enough* today?

    I’m teaching myself a new definition of “enough” — one that gives less weight to checklists and more to laughing every day, moving energy every day, and actually being present a little every day. I always have at least one “student” show up for the yoga that is my life–she is me. And she is also my patient, her family, the person selling me groceries, my dogs… they all benefit when I give up my grumpy insistence on the old *enough* and instead value the new kind.

  4. Pingback: Forecast: Sunny again « Dharmayoga’s Weblog

  5. I love that you just got out there and started doing your practice. Imagine your energy like the magnetic field of a magnet attracting all that is positive, while regecting the negative. Look at the beauty that came to you! You’re living your practice. As a teacher, I know it’s natural to want to reach as many people as we can, but we know it’s not about the number of students in our classes, or how much money we’re making, because at the end of the day, it’s really about the practice and sharing it with whomever wants it, or in this case, anyone who happens to stumble upon us 🙂 It’s simply about putting it out there. You do that and it’s beautiful. I struggle with all the same things you post about and it’s comforting and encouraging to know that there are dialogues like this going on in our community. Keep yogaing!

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